I am so frustrated!!! Don’t know what happened to my email - it had been 2 days now, that I can’t open it. I’m wondering if Dada has replied me. Hehe..I am in dire need to read her ramblings..Some people have that effect on me. Their words are soothing (even though it may be just nothing important), like a therapy for me.
Words have always been an important aspect of my life. Words can hurt you, but
if they are used in a respectable way, accompanied with love and genuine care,
they can lift you up.
Throughout my life, I have learned that writing is a good way to learn about
myself. Sometimes I wrote to vent out emotions. Sometimes, to appreciate what I have. Maybe most of the time, I wrote just because I feel like writing. That
was when I produce gibberish stuffs. Of course, after some time, when I look
back on the writings, I’d discover something about myself. Something that I
missed to look at. And I’d like to think that, THAT was the moment I grew up.
You see, that is how I interpret me growing up. The moment I learn something, I
grow. As much as I love telling people how wonderful they are, I don’t get that
kind of comment that much (not complaining). So, I know it is up to me, to tell
me how I’ve done. And by writing, I know I’ve done something good or I’ve taken a foolish step.
When I was a child, I wrote on how I thought people thought how less than
ordinary I was. I wrote on how I promised myself to be more than what I was
then. I read a lot, so that I always know more than any of my peers. I felt
good when they asked me for meaning of words and such. When I was in my teen, I looked back at those writings and I knew that I have done better than what I promised myself. And for that, I knew that I have saved myself. For the moment.
Then, during my teen years, I still wrote about the same thing - I still
thought that I was seen as this nerd who does not know how to have fun. I
thought I didn’t know how to have fun. It was later that I learned that I did
know how to have fun. I WAS HAVING FUN. Well, just because I did not find
happiness and FUN in the same way everyone else had, means I don’t know how to have fun. FUN, for me, was in reading a good book, was in having close friends who appreciate me, was when I achieved goals that I made (whatever that may be). And I saved myself, again. (Turns out that it hasn’t changed so far, I still have fun the same way I did).
I still write sometimes. I have a book where I would write in. But, most of the
time, I write on papers. I would fold it and slipped it somewhere. Once in a
while, I would stumbled upon them. I would read it and smiled at how foolish I
was back then. Now, I write about my unfinished business with some people, I
write when I am in dilemma. I write I because for me, it is easier to see the picture when it is written down. Too much going on in my mind, I guess. I write so that I can read between the lines. I write to make myself better. I write to decide. I write to save myself.
I learned a lot about myself from those writings. Most of the time, I realized
that I wrote about how I thought people perceive me. And then, I realized, it
was how I perceived myself.
And that was how I know that I have saved myself from my inferiority.
*Huh, I wrote this few days back and was not able to post it here.
Things are better today, got a mail from Dada yesterday and the need has been fulfilled. Hehehe.. I hope I wrote some good stuff for her & that she felt a lil’ better.
