“sehr sub”

There will always be someone who is brave enough to say out loud what others might be thinking silently inside their head. So today, it was Dihah. (I didn’t know you read my blog, Dihah..Thanks for the time). I believe everyone in office was having their own assumptions on seeing my bloody red, swollen and puffed eyes. No one ask, thank God. All you need to do to double the effect is ASK and I will surely cry again. But today I managed to control it. I hope.

The hardest thing for me is when the only person, the only place I can turn to, failed me.

My weekend started on the eve of Saturday. When I picked up Syiefa and MAKING TWO ROUNDS to hostel (huh! dulu dengan smart tag dia, skrg kunci plak! Mind you, syiefa, there will be no 3rd time. Pasni benda tinggal, tinggal jek. 2x da kena ni!Nasib baik pagi tu da belanja ABC sedap ~~~).  For the rest of the day, please refer to Syiefa’s blog.

I woke up on Saturday with full spirit - to not sleep again after Subuh. Hehe.. (sebenarnya insaf dengar ust cakap tidur lepas subuh mewarisi kepapaan. Patut la tak kaya kaya lagi sampai sekarang. hahaha). So, I did some cleaning. It has been quite a while since I cleaned it the last time around, so by the end of it, I felt as if I have just jogged 2km. hehe..

After breakfast, we head to see Hajar’s great performance in the netball game. Unfortunately, the team was not strong enough. Hajar has always been a good netball player, but even a non-player like Syiefa and me can see that most of her team members were not skillful enough. So, in spite of Hajar’s spirit and energy, they lost.  But it was OK..because Hajar had us to cheer her up after the game. Haha.. There we were the five friends; Hajar, Nadia, Me, Muqri and Syiefa (arranged in alphabetical order) squeezed into the car. We started off with laughters and more laughters. Not knowing that we were in a big adventure afterwards.

Hajar, being the best friend ever, treated us for lunch. We were fishing for Secret Recipe. Alas, we ended up at one of the stalls in Bangi, eating the secret recipes of the various ‘lauk pauk’ of Malaysian food. It was good food, as always,if someone else is paying. Thanks Hajar! For being such a sport.

Next station was supposed to be Gombak-Keramat to drop off Syiefa. But we made a detour to Times Square for a surprise. I’m not sure who was surprised more, the surprisers or the surprisee (haha..is there such words? Pardon me for being too lazy to check its validity). But we were good. While we were at it, we hunted the ground for Breadstory. I need the peanut butter bun. Nyum. Nyum. (Girls, I only get to have a bite of it, then it was attacked by an army of ants! So, to the trash it goes, this  very morning! Then, since Hajar’s feet was killing her, the trip was cut short for another detour - Kedai Kamera Keat.

I’m not sure how long we stayed there. I grabbed a chair and sit through all the process of Syiefa’s and Muq’s ooooh..aaahhh…moments. They were so engrossed with the cameras. That was when Hajar said,"Nasib baik ada Muqri! Kalau tak sapelah nak melayan Syiefa!". Haha. We laughed again. It was so true! There they were, gawking at the cameras and the rest three just looked and smiled and laughed and making few comments that we hope would be helpful. Nadia even had her ‘Stairways to Heaven’ eaten right then and there. I would like to believe that Syiefa & Muq touched everything in the shop! The bags, the tripods, the cameras with the accesories that we (the other three) have not known existed in this world. The store owner commented a few times about how great it was for us to accompany Syiefa. He questioned us as soon as we walked in the store. Obviously, it was a famous shop among the MMU-ians. (Syiefa even met her lecturer there! haha.) Ok, so the uncle did know that we were friends back from school. I guess, he was really impressed with us. I guess, we are pretty proud with us. Hehe.. Dear Syiefa, that was all we could offer you. (Nak belikan camera tu, tak mampu. hahahaha…)

Then, FINALLY. We were on the right track. We dropped off Syiefa, but not before we went to buy some pisang & keledek goreng! While Syiefa abandoned us and went to buy some stuff, we had our ‘tea’ while watching ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ from where Kak Mimi paused it. Then, as Hajar kept complaining it was late, we said our goodbyes to Syiefa and send Hajar to UKM. Thank God, Nadia came with her own car. Hehe..Saving us another trip to Sri Kembangan. After the short bye-bye to Nadia & Muq. I settled down alone in my bed, processing the day.

It was a day with many stories. But in the end, I concluded that it was a day full of supports. Many things in our life have and will leave us, but true friends stick together. The oath, was never spoken verbally. But when we decided to hold the friends in our heart, the oath was created. We are bind to each other, for as long as the hearts allow us.

So for you, if you are reading this, the following paragraph is dedicated for you. For only you.

~ No one is perfect. We made mistakes. Sometimes, it is just a small one,too small that it was easy for us to ditch it. And sometimes, we made big ones. So big that we thought we couldn’t handle it. There will be consequences. We all know that. The consequences that will stay with us. The consequences that might rock our world. How bad the thing is, we have to bear it ourselves. I hold no judgement to you. It is not my right to do so. Everyone has his own secrets to keep. You are not wrong to keep yours, even from the closest soul you know. I would do the same exact thing, if I were to be in your shoes. Whatever the consequences are, you will live up to it. And I will be here. I will be by your side. And so will the others. The friends that have hold you with their hearts. None of us is perfect. You have accepted our weaknesses, and we will embrace yours.~

Gosh. I looked at my previous postings. It was more on surveys rather than writings. Though most of the time I wish to write, I will end up with nothing to say. It was more ‘don’t know how to put to words’ rather than have nothing to say. Well, today is rather different. I feel a bit lighter - at heart. Then again, Friday ALWAYS works its magic on working people. Haha..

I miss dada and her surveys. Thank God, Wanie has been providing some of hers. Hehe.. I love reading surveys. During those time when I wished to write something but couldn’t seem to really do it, I answered surveys. I have to get it out of my system, I guess.

I was given another insight today. It’s not like I’ve seen it the first time. It has it way to drop across my life path, I have seen it many time. But it never really give me this kind of effect. This feeling. The feeling that I am so thankful that I have defects. So that it gives me no reason to judge others. I like to observe people. I read about people, about personality, about their behavior. I like people - to be observed. I am an introvert. Yes, sir, I am an introvert counselor. I am not good in socializing. It is not my field. I love people. But it doesn’t mean that I like being with them 24/7. Eh, wait. I can be with them 24/7, as long as I don’t have to interact with them. Hahaha. I am pretty good at keeping myself in the glass box. Hehehe.. So, anyway, I learned a lot from the people I observed.

I don’t have to tell you, I believe that you already know..But, no harm done..There are people that hold their head high - we will either see them as a snob or really well-respect, deserved kind of people. But who knows, maybe inside, they have their insecurities. There are also people who walk the walk and talk the talk. Well, two possibilities, they might really know what they are talking about or they had it rehearsed it so well that it blends with them, but chances are, they may suffer the same loneliness we sometimes feel. And.. There are people who always think that they are better than anyone else. Ok. There’s nothing wrong about it. But they get worse when they think that they are better than anyone else is AND they looked down on others.

I stopped judging people negatively (he’s a bad person because he cheated, she’s a bitch because she bad-mouthed me, etc.) when I started to make stupid things that put me out of the ’she’s-an-angel’ list. I made mistake. I had hard time accepting it. I tried to make it OK. But it never go away. So, I have decided to live with it. Then, I stopped making negative remarks about people. Ok..there might be statement like "I thought she wears a headscarf" - when I see someone who I always see wearing headscarf and then, not wearing it. BUT, it’s just a statement. So what if she’s an on-off person. It’s between her and God. I am thankful I made mistakes, because it keeps me reminding myself that I’m not perfect, either.

It also get to my nerves when I heard people talking bad things about others, whether it was someone they know or it was a stranger. Are they such a perfect that they can point at other’s mistakes? Who grant them the permission to hurt others with negative statement?

Just as I know that I am both a sinner and a saint, I know that everyone else is the same. We make mistakes, but we do good deeds as well. We are entitled for both good and bad behavior. No one is perfect. Including me.

THAT is the reason I stopped judging people negatively.

John Gray wrote in his book..When man have problems, they go into caves. When woman have problems, they seek someone to listen to them. And woman’s mood is as unpredictable as the waves. Sometimes it is up, sometimes, it went into the doldrums. I am currently in one of those deep, non-living doldrums. I’m already half a step into what I wanted in life. But, why do my heart cries…?

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
>> "I have banked in about 10 million RM into your account. It’s the 10 million you inherited from your ancestors. Yours to keep and use without limits" I’d give half a million to each of my nucleas family. 10k to each of my closest friends (that in need of money). Save quarter of it for future. Invest the rest. Wow! I wish..

2. When shopping at the grocery store,do you return your trolley?
>> I never shopped alone, and Muq always return the trolley. Good citizen, he is.

3. If you have to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
>> If I kissed the last person I kissed, that’s mean that person is worth of a kiss. So, I don’t mind kissing that last person I kissed, again.

4. Do you take compliments well?
>> Yes.. I take it well and I give it in a good way, too. p/s: I always make an effort to compliment things or people (provided that they are worth of it). You never know, that 1 compliment might be the best thing they heard that day! If I compliment, I really mean it..and they deserves it.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
>> when I’m bored. Kak Liza taught me Sudoku and during the first month, I’m so into it! Hehehe..

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
>> I’d like to think that I’d survive..I may look like a fragile little thing that might cry her way out of everything.. But, I do have a heart of a lion. (hahahaha)

7. Do you like tongue rings?
>> Wanie is right, it’s unhealthy. why would people want to hurt themselves?

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
>> I was not an outdoor person…and still haven’t change!

12.Could you ever date someone with different religious beliefs?
>> Why not..as long as we respect each other.

14.Use four words to describe yourself at the moment..?
>> Bleak, misery, teary-eyed, worried.

15.Do any songs make you cry?
>> I can use some songs now….

16.Are you continuing your education?
>> I’m not sure… I don’t care what will happen in future. I don’t even understand what’s happening in the current situation.

17.Do you know how to shoot a gun?
>> I’m pretty good with aiming. (I want to hold on to that believe, now. It’s what I need most)

18.If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing u grab?
>> my documents (being the practical me). I need it so I can save all the hussle of starting from scratch.

19.Who were the last 3 people you shared a bed with?
>> short term memory lost. My head’s all cloudy.

22.What color are your eyes?
>> I haven’t look into my eyes lately. But I guess, at this moment, it’s dull.

23.How tall are you?
>> Tall enough to reach the clothesline at the balcony.

24.What color is your hair?
>> black..

25.If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
>> I might. I’ve known the trick, so I might be able to change the outcome!

26.Any secret admirers?
>> no..I don’t need it.

27.Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
>> Haven’t tried it. I’ll put it in my "should at least do once" list.

28.When was the last time you were at the mall ?
>> Saturday..Had my dose of fave ice-cream

29.Favorite ice-cream?
>> Mint Choc Chip and split (the lime covered vanilla ice-cream). The Shrek promo in McD taste exactly like that. I love them.

32.Do you like mustard?
>> Haven’t had it for quite a time,now.

33.Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
>> sleep and sleep and sleep.. and only wake up when the world is fine again.

34.Do you look like your mom or dad?
>> I’ve been told that I don’t look like any of them. But I can tell you, that I inherit just about everything else, especially in the temper department.

35.How long does it take you to shower?
>> 5 minutes. 10 if I have to wash my hair.

36.Can you do the splits?
>> 70% of it.

37.What movie do you want to see right now?
>> Transformers, Rat-a-toulie, Order of Pheonix, those fictions movies. ALL fiction movies. I had enough of reality.

39.What did you do for New Years?
>> I didn’t make any resolutions. It felt good.

40.Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
>> all horror movies are crappy. No offense, horror-lover.

42.Do you own a camera phone?
>> Not that I need it..

44.Was your mom a cheerleader?
>> My mom’s a tailor, and I’m proud of her.

45.What’s the last letter of your middle name?
>> h

47.How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
>> about 8

48.Do you like care bears?
>> pretty much..such adorable bears..

49.What do you buy at the Movies?
>> pop corn and manggo juice..

50.Do you know how to play poker?
>> been taught by my friends, but never got hold of it. Hehe..

51.Do you wear your seatbelt?
>> it’s a must! for own safety.

52.What do you wear to sleep?
>> anything i’m comfortable with.

53.Anything big ever happen in your town?
>> the celebration of the 100th years of it. That’s the biggest so far.

54.You like your hair straight or curly?
>> a bit of curly won’t be so boring…

55.Is your lip pierced?
>> No. It’s nice as it is.

56.Do you like Liver and Onions?
>> No. Thanks.

57.Have you ever been in love?
>> Yes. Let’s not talk about love, right now, ok?!

58.Do you like funny or serious people better?
>> funny. I’m a serious person, so I don’t need another serious person.

59.Ever been to L.A.?
>> no.

60.Do you like the rain?
>> i love rainy season. Cool wind..fresh smelling grass after rain, soft subtle sound of the rain at night..rain makes a good lullaby.

61.Ocean or pool?
>> ocean.Wiser.

62.What’s your favorite drink?
>> ice-blended chocolate.

63.Do you hate chocolate?
>> I eat chocolate like I eat rice. Haha..That’s ridiculous. I like chocolate.

64.Are you a gullible person?
>> Looks can be deceiving. Try me if you want to know.

66.Do you need a bf/gf to be happy?
>> not necessarily, but a good companion will make me happy. Companionship comes not only in the form of human..it may comes in books, in movies, sometimes even in solitude..

67.Do you have socks on right now?
>> no.

68.Are you easy to get along with?
>> easy-peasy

69.What is your favorite time of day?
>> the moment I fell asleep but before I had dreams.

70.Do you like PINK?
>> some shades work it magic on me. so, I made truce with pink.

1.are you a perfume maniac?
- no. I’m not a maniac, thank you. But I do love perfume. It does the trick with confidence issue.

02. do you wear perfume everyday?
- A’ha. I told you already, it boost my confidence when I go out and meet people and it make me feel good when I wear it at home.

03. what brand of perfume do you usually use?
- various. I have one for every occasion and mood. Haha..I’m THAT vain.

04. do you prefer EDT or EDP?
- EDP stays longer and cost more. I’m not that rich to own any, YET.

05. what do you know about perfume?
- Only buy a perfume that fits you. Everyone has their own smell. Their natural smell. You have to know the best smell that can ‘work side by side’ with your natural body smell. Don’t simply buy a perfume just because someone else smells nice with that perfume! You’ll end up with a worse aroma. I know a whole lot about perfume, don’t I? Hahahahaha. I know that I used to promised myself not to splurge on expensive perfume when I’m older, even if I can afford it (this was when I was in my school years) and the last time I checked, it didn’t turn out as I expected. Haha.

06. what is the name of your first perfume?
- it was CLINIQUE HAPPY. Then when Happy Heart came out, I changed to that. Waaaaay back in my uni years. Oh wait! I think the first one I got is MOONFLOWER. Waaaaaay back in my matrix year!

07. how much normally do you spend for perfume?
- it depends on my budget..If it cost more than a hundred, I’ll make sure I’ll use it up to a year, or more. Hahaha..

08. where do shop your perfume?
- Shops that sell perfume?! No where in particular. I’ve done some window-shopping for perfume as well.

09. do you stick to one brand of perfume or you change regularly?
- Someone used to badmouth me "Orang yang asyik tukar-tukar perfume takde personaliti!". The world is ROUND, girl. The word will hit back at you in full velocity. Answering the Q, it depends on what I feel and the occasion. Usually, I will use one perfume in a period of time. But I’ll change to another when I’m only left with half of inch of the bottle. Then, from time to time, when I miss me smelling that particular smell, I’ll use it.

10.if you change regularly, do you wear different perfume every day, every month or every year?
- Please refer to the second part of the above answer. TQ

11. when was the last time you bought a perfume?
- I don’t remember when, but it was Couture. I love it. Hard to find, though. A new one is coming out. So, I’m looking forward to have a sniff of Funny.

12. what is the name of the latest perfume you bought?
- Oh. I’ve answered it earlier. I’m left with that half inch of it..

13. what kind of smell do you choose : flowery, woody or fruity?
- a bit of all of them.

14.is there any of your family members who like perfume?
- My dad is sooo into minyak atar. Hehehe..

15. is there any cheap perfume that you can’t resist?
- I guess so..If it smells nice, I don’t have a problem with cheap perfume. Cheap perfume DOES NOT make you cheap. Same rule applies to expensive ones. The best things in life do not cost a fortune.

16. how many perfume do you have right now?name it.
- I’m not a show-off. I simply do not want to list down all of them since I will then begin to count how much money I’ve spent buying things that didn’t last long and regretting the huge dent in my pocket. I’m not rich, you know..Not rich, YET.

17. Do you use the lotion and the shower foam of the same perfume as well?
- I wish to..

18. what is the next brand of perfume you aim to buy?
- Another Couture. Or that Beyonce does smell nice. Fancy Yah spraying Edie’s perfume all over us. Now, I want it already!

19. does by wearing perfume make you happy?
- Happy Heart makes my heart sing. Hahaha. Happy keeps me happy.

20. what do you think of world without perfume?
- The same thing that happen to the world without a time machine.

*  Thanks to my fave man, who gave me the magic. Come to think of it, it did its magic on me. Hahaha.. Now, I’m looking forward for that apple bits. Hahaha..Crunch on it!

p/s: Friendster without Dayda’s surveys is simply boring. Lyd, paste one!

Don’t we all constantly longing for a fresh start? It is by far the easiest way out of the current condition or situation, no matter what it is.

It is always easy to forget the past once we step into a new phase of life. I had felt the twinkling feeling back when I started my years in Sarawak. That was what I needed. I needed to change. So, as soon as I stepped on the Kenyalang ground, I kept repeating the same chant over and over again. And soon after, I felt new. I have left behind the school nerd who only bury her head in books, who walked with her head down. I lived  my new life, for about 4 years and still longing for a new start. Another new start.

So when I hopped into the career world, I felt good. Another fresh beginning. Another new me. But, I still carry the bits and pieces of my old life. Of my old self.

We always thought that when we start another new phase, we can automatically dump everything behind. But, I’m known as a collector. I even collected the chocolate wrappers! Oh, for God sake.. I collect all the memories. ALL of them. As much as I want to leave the bad memories behind, they are still trailing me.

But I have learned the trick now. To forgive. Of course my head will refuse to forget, no matter how compact it gets. But I am learning to forgive myself. For being so stupid / ignorant / childish. So next time I start a new life (soon!), I’m all ready to face the world in a more positive wave.

For Hana & Azhan, Norizah & Husband, Qema & husband, Siti & Hazli, and Kak Ita & Abang Fauzan, hope your new beginning will keep you happy and more properity coming your way! =)

For Lydia, Lydia Zulaifah IS a NICE name. I like it. Glad I could help you with the name. And may both of you (Lydia & Eder) fall in love with each other everyday! I am truly happy for you, Lyd..

For Dada, your life is getting better and better and better, isn’t it? Well, I must say, you deserve it! You have always been the one with the brain! and charming, may I add.. Congratulations on your newly found job!

For Fadhilah, how I envy you! Pegi Spain pulak dah….Bestnye…….