“sehr sub”

I didn’t have a chance to write yesterday. I started a few sentences then I have to log out. But at this wee hour of the morning, I would like to continue.

I had a very humble birthday this year. Hahaha..This is the 1st time I celebrated it without friends and cake with candles. It doesn’t make any difference.. Just that I am thankful that at least, my friends did not forget to wish me. It’s great. I have nice pressies from Nadia and Ain. These are the 2 people that can never go wrong on buying me gifts. They are angels. Nadia would always be the one to buy me things that I can use (I guess because she can see that I am using it!) and Ain would always surprise me with nice cute things. Both are dears to my heart. Muq took me to a hearthy dinner. I really appreciate that, after 2 days of berbuka alone, I’d love company. I was torn between ikan pari bakar and pizza, but he chosed the former because according to Mr. Must-eat-well, I have to eat well (how ironic). Uuh, he bought me a nice chocolate indulgance (of my choice of course). Pressies have to wait (notice that plural, bie? hahaha)

[Chup! Everytime I went into Secret Recipe, I can't help but think about the banana choc cake. I mean, I love banana. But Banana and choc cake is just unacceptable! Give me any sorts of banana delicacies; banana split (my grandma's version is the best!) - mak, next week balik, nak makan!!!!!, banana fritters (the stall near my grandpa's is the best ever, kan kak Ecah?!), banana cake (yg ayah suka - I don't really like it then, but compared to banana choc cake, it's better), jemput2 pisang (aaahhh...heaven, over a hot steaming tea), roti pisang for breakfast, and any other lah. But I just don't get it: bananas sandwiched in between cake & creams of chocolate?!]

Yesterday, the everly so nice Miss Zaiti came and took me to berbuka puasa. We went to have pizza (yeay! of my choice of course). Thank you, dear. Then we had a nice talk. Waaaaaahhh…It’s been so long since I have had a good long talk-about-nothing girl talk session. Hahaha. Zaiti is always the one with the outrageous life story (whether it’s hers or others). It was fun, having her around. After Maghrib prayer, we went to Satay Kajang to buy some satay for her housemates (and to look for otak-otak, but was a bit disappointed la). Later, we went to my little shelter and talk, talk, talk. Doing the "huh?", "wah!!", "eeewww…", "isk", (please add in plurals) and plus a lot of that disbelieve faces from me. It was funny. Later when the Qaseh story started, she gave me a hug and went home. She came all the way from Shah Alam, thanks Zaiti..You are a doll.

I shared Qaseh with Kak Gee. She’s being overly emotional over it. But I like it. hahahha..I like the fact that she’s being emo. hahhaha….so funny. Kak Gee is a very animated person and when she calls me, I can only listen. She would talk all the way and only let me make the "um" and "ah" (with plurals). Sometimes adalah when she needs me to answer her endless questions about everything under the sun. (apa dia ingat arfah ni pusat informasi ke? hahahha). But I love her anyway. She’s now busy pestering me with finding a ramadhan buffet (yang dekat dan $35 below) so that her husband can belanja us for berbuka. Nice one. I’ll find one today, kak Gee! Yesterday, while I was getting ready for Zaiti, she called me and said that she miss me. It’s good when friends misses me. I am a miss-able person! =) Hahaha..

This morning, when I woke up for sahur, I had a kejar mengejar scene with this roach. Armed with a shieldtox, I made sure that the roach die. It died in my bathroom. One roach means there are more. So, this evening, I am going to buy one of those things to kill ‘em. Roaches and ants. I’ve been attacked with lizards (ok, that’s exagerrating - one small baby lizard), a roach (maybe in its teen) and an army of red little ants. Lizard died, roach died, some ants died but more to come, I believe.

Just around Imsak time, Zaiti called me and gave me 2 teka teki. I like the second one better, Zaiti. Cos I can’t figure out, yet, about the animal. Adakah? Hahahaha…But I’m going to give the second riddle to everyone!!! Smart one lah that riddle. She made me laughed this morning. It’s a good feeling. Nice of her to keep me company.

I also have to put up with my phone. Well, I can’t blame her. She’s 5 this year. Old enough for a handphone. But I love her anyway. Eventhough she’s ALWAYS throwing tantrums (goes off whenever she feels like it). And this morning, Muq had to call me and said that I have to clear my Inbox so that I can receive messages. The thing is, I know my Inbox isn’t full yet!So, there I was, while eating my sahur, fiddling with my beloved phone -switching it on and off - so that I can receive messages. Lo’ and behold! I had around 20 new messages. Hahahha…

I’m in a very funny mood today. Light and happy. Good. Oooh, I have to remember to ask muq to buy me the chicken wings at Nadia’s Bazaar. Haha..suddenly jadik bazaar dia pulak. She recommended the chicken wings and now I’m addicted! She also recommended some other delicacies and I’m also addicted to those tasty food and beverage (that ikan/sotong bakar at oasis, choc ice blended at home and now chicken wing?!) Nasib baik the chicken wing are just near their places. I can always get it (easier la dari nak gi oasis n balik bp tu..).

And today is Thursday!!! I’m not going to buka alone today, am buying shoes for my mom, will be doing some shopping for groceries and going to keep this mood on for a long time! Tomorrow, also not going to berbuka alone, will be eating together with the UPG boys & girls. Saturday, will have to do my laundry and kemas2 umah sket and at night, will be seeing Fadhilah off to Germany!(Will be fetching Nad before that). Aaaah…I am having a great week. This weekend, if you are free, bie, can we go and buy that bugsy lamp we saw few weeks back? and find some gifts for Ayu’s and Kak Asma’s weddings?    

Hmm.. I am blessed, aren’t I? =)

I had headache last night. So I only managed to watch CSI and later went to bed. I really wanted to watch LOST, but since I can’t stand the throbbing, I decided to sleep early. Before that, I told Muq to accompany me to sleep, and as usual, I left him alone - hey, at least, this time I told you that I’m going to sleep anytime then. We were discussing things (and I don’t even remember what it was when I woke up!), but it was something serious lah. It was around 10.20pm, I guess. Then, as I was floating in my sleep - no dreams la last night, my phone rang. I was about to ignore it at first, but then I saw Ayuni’s name. I picked it up. She was rather surprise when she heard my sleepy voice, but then she said "Happy Birthday!!" She was so happy, I can imagine her saying those words. and then she told me, "but it’s not 12 o’clock yet..". Hahaha..It’s ok Ayuni, I like it as much. She was the 1st to wish me this year. Sweet Ayuni..She’s a great girl, charming and I like her company. I know you are going through rough times, dear, but keep on ya. Find that silver lining.

I keep track of the 1st person to wish me, every year. (Weird, huh?) But I really appreciate those people who take extra effort to wish me on the dot. Not that I don’t appreciate those who wishes me during the day or later than 12 am, I like every one of them. Last year it was my boyfriend (just as the same time as the girls celebrated it with me; kak ina, nadia & aminah). Last 2 years it was Aina Razlin. She just came back from her date and saw me with Faisal the palapes - he was pouring his heart out over soem problems he had (konon) - my housemates & their dirty schemes..I’ll remember that aishah, diana, fiza!!!and you Faisal!!

I found out there 3 messages on my phone, in which 2 is from Muqri, saying that he loves me and another one asking the most FAQ to me "dah tido ke". hahaha…The last one is from Lydia, telling me that she had great time while she was 24 and wished me well. So, I have replied Muq, telling him that Ayuni called to wish me. Then he replied "belum lagi la..Happy Birthday". Sooo…him.Then Ain called me. She’s sweet. I know she budgetted her phone credits, but she is never kedekut to call me. I pray that ONLY good great guy gets her. She deserves all the good things in life, for the pretty soul she has =) She even sms me again after that! I love her. Then I fell asleep again.

I set the alarm at 5am. But I have to wake up earlier than that because my phone rang. I didn’t pick it up, it was Muqri. Later he sms-ed asking me to get up for sahur.

It’s my birthday today, but I felt like I don’t want to wake up. But for the sake of sahur, I woke up, ate what I ate for buka earlier, feeling rather - how do I say it haa.. - demotivated. I was NEVER feeling down on my birthday. Except for this time. But as I took my shower this morning, the birthday feeling sneaked in.

When I went down to my car, to leave to work, I had a nice surprise!While I was fiddling with my car keys, Muq came up from behind (well I asked him earlier masa sahur tu, to come and fetch me to work, but he declined, said that he’s feeling unwell la konon!). So, he drove me to work today! Yeay! I don’t have to drive today!! He’ll be picking me up at 5 and we are going to Nad’s house to claim my gifts! (hahaha….punyela nak hadiah! Ala, Nad, yours will be the only 1 I get today..)

For me, birthday is not about gifts, but it’s about what people do for me. Calling me in the middle of the night, spending their few cents and texting me, come all the way to send me to work - eventhough having selesema..I really appreciate it.

Lydia was wishing me and giving me her wisdom this morning, when she told me that she just received a call with sad news. Her friend has just passed away; it was cancer. I am sorry to hear that, Lyd..

Well, I shared today with abang Midie and Zira’s mom. I have nothing else say. Just looking forward to spend the rest of today! =)

I would firstly would like to thank Lydia & Zaiti (my kukichi!) for posting positive encouragements for me. Hehe..I might think about that - writing. Maybe doing it freelance. Hmm..but would I find loyal readers like you guys??? It’s just my thought, who would want to read about it. I’ll have to dig in some books and do some researches if I want my writing to be published. Anyway, thanks for the thought. I would definitely put a thought on it.

I spent my weekend in heaven. Figuratively speaking. Ha-ha. I had the best weekends ever - by doing absolutely non-stressful chores. I always love washing (with the help of technology), I love the fresh smell of newly washed clothes. I cooked! (my nasi was a bit lembik and the nasi goreng would never pass the sirim test) Ha-ha. It was tasteless - except for the ikan bilis (yang kak Ina bawak balik dari Sabah last time). Nyum2..i love that anchovies. Hmm..then I actually sorted all the bills, and made my october financial planning, which in the end, left me worries for I won’t have any extra money to be spend for entertainment or other important things (such as new bags, new shoes =P, ok, I don’t really need the black, stylish bag that would be great if I can take to work since it’s big and I can campak everything under the sun in it, which I saw in a bag shop in front of the kedai kahwin punya materials, in Metro, Kajang. But, I am in need of a new shoe. My heels are not in a good shape. un-mend-able dah. Uwwaaa….)

I am very fussy in buying shoes. VERY. I have to find a really comfortble shoe, good design (according to ain, my choices of shoes are of old citizen’s choices - haha). Though I don’t argue with her. My taste in shoes is rather peculiar, I must say. And usually, when I found a good one, I’ll stick to it until it last. I remember having one for 2 years, then I had another to replaced it and ended for another 2 years or more. This heels I’m wearing is almost 3 years! I had other pairs (costly, as well), but this is the one that I’m most comfortable in. For me, it’s important to wear something comfortable. That way, I am more confident. As for the design, well, what can I say, only those designed for warga tua are the ones most realiable!Good support for my feet which means, I can walk or even run in it. Umm, I don’t run, but then again, I take rather small steps, small and quick steps. Kesian kasutku..

Uh, still about my weekend, on Sunday, my dearest Aminah came to visit me before she went back to UUM. Nice girl. She even brought me lemang & rendang. Tasty! Yummy!and all I packed for her ‘break fast’ was cekodok bilis. Hehe..And I showed her my new bed! Haha..To fished her, so the next time she comes back for holiday, she can stay with me for a while.

I used to complained about living alone. Maybe because of the lack of company. When I get home, I talk to no one. I have no one to share my workday story with. I will sweep the floor (if I feel like it), I will wash the clothes (when the basket is fulled), I will eat (when I am hungry) and I will watch tv (when there’s good show on) or else, I just go to bed. Once in a while, there come my entertainer, taking me to dinner and asking me mind-boggling teka teki. But I now have begun to feel comfortable with the situation. I didn’t notice it earlier, but since the girls left, I have always had visitors. Whether they came to my little shelter, or I met them somewhere else. I was never left alone. God has worked His magic on me. I have always have friends, no matter what. He has send me good companions. Sometimes, they just drop by for a short visit (like Kak Ina who dropped by to send some things for mina or mina who drop by before going back to UUM). Some other times, they call me up and we went out together (like the time when Kak Gee called and "ordered" - haha- me to accompany her to buy some manik for her nieces). Then there was special meetings (Diana who was attending conference here in KL or Fadhilah who was coming home for holidays). I love it when friends drop by like this. And in between time, I have those who religiously (huhu) read my blog eventhough they are busy (chill-out mates, it’s Ramadhan!) and those who keep in touch thru emails, yms and sms. Oh yeah, in between those, I have one person who is always there when and where I want him to be =P I am trully blessed. What more can I ask for?

And now that it’s fasting month, I can do the mending I meant to do, plus some additional good things for my consciences. And…finally I can sit at home at night, watching all the best shows on TV!!!!! Yeay for Arfah! =)

p.s: uh, I just remembered one more thing, my wish list - that novel from Judith McNaught!I have to get those. And the movie, Devils wear Prada. Nice one I heard. Oh my God! My wish list is getting longger…Next pay-day!

Have you ever felt like you have wasted some time of your precious life - and yet, you have achieved something? Like you have moved a little bit higher on the career ladder, but there is an aspect of your life that you have missed. And when you think about it, all you felt was total emptiness.

How do you recover from that emptiness?

Have you ever felt that you are lonely - despite all the friends you have around you? You laugh, you talk, you tease your friends, but at the end of the day, there you are, a lonesome.

How do you heal from that loneliness?

Someone once said, "Find that thing that you would die for, and live for that." Have you found something or someone you would die for? Are you living your life for that particular reason?

What’s missing?

Was it the recognitions you wanted so bad, that you would do anything just to have them? Was it the praise you are hoping to hear from your parents? Or was it the comfort of being with trusted friends? Was it the love of a man you adore? Or could it be your relationship with The Creator? What’s missing?

Somehow, there are some things that I am lacked off in this life. I strive to look for them. I hurt people and I got hurt along the way. I succeed and then I failed for them. I tell people that I am OK, but deep within, only I know what it’s like. I cried when no one’s looking, I laughed when others laugh. I smile easily for other people, but yet find it hard to do it for myself. Why?

Was it the plan that came off-course? Or was it the friendship that I lost?

Or was it me, refusing to accept the changes I myself made?   

Once in a while, I let my mind wanders a bit farther than it used to be. It was exhilarating, for my mind to reach all those places and situation that are not yet happen.

I understand that who I was in the past, who I had grown up with, whom I had befriended, contributed to who I am today. I can’t help but think about who I will be – in future. I want to believe that I am a lot better now, than the past me. So, from that, I make myself believe that I will be better than I am now. But as I look within myself, I see that there are holes to be mended. I am not saying anything about holes made by people, but more to the ones that I myself inflict on me.

My physical feature did not reflect my age (I still get joked around with that up till now, but I have learned to look at it in different ways). My facial expression did not reflect my true feeling (I am better now, not too expressionless) and overall, both physical & facial did not compliment my brains. I can’t change the former, but I am trying to learn to express myself more, and get people to actually understand it! Funny as it is, some just don’t get it.

These holes I said earlier, are the ones that was created when I refused to obey my own believes and values. Believes and values that are instilled in me since I was running around half-naked, wearing only the best technology has invented for making a mommy’s work a lot easier (diapers la). There were times when I just have to close an eye over it. Like lying. At first the behavior comes with guilt, but as one says - practice makes perfect – I don’t know where the guilt has gone to. Sometimes, I lied for myself, sometimes for friends. Both because I believe that if the matter is known to others, things will go ugly. I never really do major lying (that involves cheating people to get something or fooling others to push myself to the top). But I am afraid that someday I will. Holes need to be mended. But so far, I haven’t mend this, afraid that it will get bigger, but never taken any action to prevent it. In denial, a part of me blames life – for creating a liar out of me. I have only learned to lie because being honest makes me look bad or left behind or ignored! I have experienced all of these, and I did not find it exciting. With people having to compete against each other, it will only take a second of change from an honest person to a liar.

As I grow up, the word has changed. From lying to a more complicated word – manipulate. I learned to manipulate. (I believe that I was born with this skill. Hehe.. Not used widely, only when my thinking department was stuck.) Good gracious. What have I become? Manipulation was a lot harder to do and a lot of thinking involved. Making it seems less harmful and one can get away with guilt easier this way.

For me, I have done both, lying and manipulate. I did both, more to myself rather than to others. I can’t lie too much to people without they knowing it. I find it hard to lie to those close to me. I tend to avoid answering or stalling when answering (if I had to lie). But lying to myself was a lot easier. I make myself believe in the lies I created myself.

When one lies too much, he or she will start to believe in the lies. When you want something so badly, and you can’t have it (yet or never), you’ll take all the wrong turns but the correct ones. They are left untouched. Because you think that you can’t take it – maybe it’s the situation, or the people around you – forced you. So you think that maybe if you take this corner, things will get a lot easier for you. Easier but troublesome.

I have major restructuring to do to myself.   

Pagi-pagi lagi I’ve muttered "stupid!" to a lady in a black MYvi. Suka-suka dia je nak masuk lane & secara tak langsung menghimpit my car. Ape lagi, keluarlah my hon signature (to brainless people) yang panjang tu. Nasib baik dia angkat tangan..Kalau tak, I might make it longer. But that does not make her moves (of menghimpit me) justified.

I won’t get angry if people said that some Malaysian’s are rude, impolite. I’ve seen many!People jumping queue, people accidently nudging others and no apologize said; these to those who don’t know each other. The worse thing is when they started to do it to those they know or even love. They curse their parents, they hit their friends. Some people are just born brainless & heartless, I guess. Maybe their mommy & daddy didn’t raise them well. Pity them.

It’s Friday and I’m supposed to feel happy. I’ll have a restful day tomorrow, doing my laundry, sweeping & mopping the floor, re-organising my stuffs and simply enjoying the time, while waiting for 4pm! (Nak lepak2 dengan my most missed person). And nothing can beat this happy feeling - I am going to see Diana this evening!!!!! Boleh listen to her story kat unimas tu. And maybe some of her research thingy. I am so looking forward to it. Can’t wait to check out at 5.45pm and go straight home to get change & see her.

The lady in her shiny black myvi is nothing compared to the fact that I know, I am going to meet Diana! and the restful & fun day I’m going to have tomorrow!

(Please note: Although any or all of these stories perhaps are fictitious, the lessons that each one teaches is well worth learning - no matter who the players are.)

Some Important Lessons Life Teaches You…

First Important Lesson:

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke.

I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say ‘hello’."

I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Second Important Lesson: Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African-American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband’s bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Third Important Lesson: Always remember those who serve you

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now, more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied." The little boy again counted his coins. "I’ll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Fourth Important Lesson: The Obstacle in Our Path

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an oportunity to improve our condition.

Fifth Important Lesson: Giving When it Counts

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I’ll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

You see understanding and attitude, after all, is everything.

"Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. 

~ Author Unknown ~