"Let it out of your system", "Turn over a new leaf", "Let bygone be bygone","Learn to let go",they say.
It does seem impossible to just change drastically. It’s like quitting smoking. Some people might say that they have to do it slowly (ehem..), and some might say that if they quit at once, the possibility of success is greater. It is all depends on the person. I say, I am flexible. NO lah, more to capricious lah.
I noticed that my "change" style varies a lot (I mean, A LOT). I’d promised myself to change my bad habit (e.g: keep my clothes rack organized). The clothes will be happily organized until I’m too busy and they’ll be more happily scattered away (That’s the time when my formal blouse or kemeja get to socialise with my more laid back and fancy shirts) and I’m kind enough to let them mix around for quite a long time (a month?? or two??). This habit, hmmm…it takes forever fro me to change - I guess, it takes constant change - continously.
As for gossiping..I do gossip. Though I admit that I listen to gossip more than spreading it. Good gossip will be spread, bad gossip will be kept until that person being gossiped about hurt me (hehe..then I’ll consider whether the material can still be kept secret or not). Afraid not, friends, since I don’t spread stories without facts or proves. To start gossiping is a hard work actually, for me. I’d have to do some researches on the material and that includes the gossip bearer as well, the validity and reliability of things and the effects of the gossips. I don’t want to sound stupid, do I? =) But most of the gossips I heard was more not worth mentioning. But, I noticed that life after studying has less things to be gossiped about. I restrict myself from listening or spreading gossips at work (cos it’s dangerous, we can never survive being alone at work, doing everthing by ourselves). I trained myself for about a year, and kesannya, I get quesy and have this weird feeling everytime I heard gossips. (Some people might think I’m boring, but at least, I don’t mess up with people’s life).
Sometimes, when you do something religiously, I mean, you keep repeating it, one day, you’ll realize that you do it out of your conscious mind. Last year, my mom told me to practise reading al-fatihah for 20x after the maghrib prayer (and with God’s will, you’ll get whatever you wish for - provided that you have put effort on it) - I mistook 20 for 70! But later change it back to 20 (haha..kedekut). These past few days, I realized that soon after my doa, I automatically recited the al-fatihah (without meaning to do it - hehe). But I wonder sometimes, I’m no saint, will it be accepted by God? Last month, my boss suggested (I do believe it’s more "ordered" then "suggestion") that all the AD to memorize the "yassin". All the 83 verses. Hah! 10 verses per month. Nasib baik. On my way to the 16th verse - mcm zaman sekolah dulu lak kena menghafal dpn cikgu.(But I do feel that my otak dah berkarat sikit compared to the era darjah khas dulu). But it does feel good to actually get to hafaz all those ayat. (Lupe, dose, padan muka sendiri). Mempunyai perasaan negative about other people make it hard for me to memorize. But once I let go of the bad feeling, it seems easier. Maybe it’s psychology, but I do believe that God has something to do with it.
I had series of mishaps; 2 pairs of sandals putus when I need them the most, had to wait(nasib ada security officers yg baik) alone and dgn perasaan takutnye and sabarnye for almost 3 hours - sebelum subuh, pada waktu yg ditakuti ada objek2 lain, eh wait, shouldn’t I be counting blessing rather than mishaps? But everything went well and I’m safe now. Thanks to good hearted people. Anyway, I was saying that all those mishaps maybe happened for a reason or reasons. It may be trial or maybe a payback, only God knows. I’m just hoping that whichever it is, let me be patient enough to face the trial and let me be strong enough to handle the payback (hoping that some of my sins are forgiven, bit by bit).
I guess it’s time to review myself. Gosh, I had this feeling that I’d die anytime soon. Some people might say that when you are dying, you won’t get to voice out that feeling, but I do feel the weirdness in me. Or maybe in the near future, I won’t have the chance to live life as it is now. Funny feeling. Sometimes, I even feel that I’d lose someone I love. I’m not ready yet. This feeling made me think that I have to spend more time with those I treasured most, be it family or friends. I’d rather being the one going away than being the one to stay behind. Weird.
