“sehr sub”

Self-esteem can be one of those elusive things that you never quite see but know when it’s missing.  Or maybe you can see it.  You can see healthy self-esteem in your own resilience.  You can see self-esteem in your problem solving skills, your ability to take responsibility for your own behavior skills, your ability to set limits skills.  Self-esteem is the stuff of which human joys and fears are made.  With healthy self-esteem, you are able to get throughout your day and your life knowing that you are a deserving, worthwhile human being.  You laugh at your mistakes, enjoy your successes, and accept your challenges.  When things go “wrong” you are able to acknowledge the wrong, be angry if you must, but you are able to bounce back and know that like is worth living, that you mean to live it…and move ahead. 

With positive self-esteem, you do not have the interest or energy to judge people based on their appearance, religion, gender, sexual lifestyles, relationship status, financial, educational or professional status.  In fact with positive self-regard, you are only willing to assess people based on your personal interactions and information.  With positive self-esteem, you understand that self-blame is a debilitating, negative mantle that once placed in your life can only serve to inhibit growth and rob you of your future.    

Here are some things to do and think about as you continue to work on your self-esteem.  

1.      BE THE PERSON YOU ADMIRE.

2.      BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF / OTHERS.

3.       BE TRUSTWORTHY WITH YOURSELF. 

4.      SAY WHAT YOU MEAN/ MEAN WHAT     YOU SAY.

5.      WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR WORD…KEEP IT.  AND IF FOR SOME REASON YOU CAN NOT KEEP YOUR WORD, LET THE APPROPRIATE PEOPLE KNOW. COME UP WITH AN ALTERNATE PLAN IF NECESSARY.

6.      IF YOU “FAIL” – KNOW THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING.  FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS AND HOW YOU CAN USE THE NEW LEARNING TO HELP YOU IN THE FUTURE.

7.      IF YOU “SUCCEED” ENJOY YOURSELF! BE PROUD OF YOUR JOB WELL DONE!

8.      YOU CAN CHANGE THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF – JUST AS SOON AS YOU START CHANGING THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF!

9.      YOU CAN BEGIN TO WORK ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM BY READING SELF-HELP BOOKS, PARTICIPATING IN SELF-HELP GROUPS. 

10.    DON’T ASSUME THAT WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU HOW GREAT THEY ARE AND HOW ROTTEN YOU ARE … THAT THEY ARE CORRECT – OR THAT THEY HAVE POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM.

11.  BE HAPPY ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU BRING TO THE UNIVERSE.  YOU ARE UNIQUE.  YOU ARE WONDERFUL – AND IT’S  TIME YOU LET YOURSELF KNOW THAT!

12.      THERE IS NO NEED TO TRY TO BULLY OTHERS INTO SHARING YOUR VIEW.  JUST AS YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH THEM – ALLOW THEM TO DISAGREE WITH YOU!  THE WORLD WOULD BE A DREARY PLACE IF EVERYONE THOUGHT AND SPOKE AND LOOKED AND DRESSED AND WALKED AND TALKED THE SAME!!  AND CREATIVITY WOULD BE GONE. 

Pamela Brewer, MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C

"We might not realize about this, but it does happen to us, or it might..
Take good care of yourself. No one is supposed to control you so much that you yourself lose control of your own mind, feeling & behavior.
Remember, that you are your own person. Cherish that. As I was reading through some articles, I found this. Thought it would be nice if I keep it in here."

One of the most difficult things about emotional abuse is what it "looks" like. Unlike physical abuse - there are no visible scars. Unlike sexual assault - it can be difficult to describe or explain. Unlike verbal abuse - it can sometimes be difficult to know what is happening. But just like all abuse - it hurts. It hurts a lot - it can hurt a long time - and it can cause a great deal of damage to the self-esteem. Emotional abuse can almost seem like the mystery hurt - once in it - you can become so much consumed with it and subsumed by it - that you do not even know what is happening. You can certainly have a hard time naming the experience. Naming the behavior is the first critical step to escaping the behavior - and the trap of low self-regard and hopelessness.

Just what is emotional abuse? It is the ongoing emotional environment created by your abuser for the purposes of control. It’s sort of like a search and destroy mission. In this war, the abuser experiences your self-esteem, your individual self, your energy, your ability to feel and question and want and need and be…. as the enemy. Your ability to be separate from your partner - an alive and thinking human being - is what your abuser most fears. At least, that’s what it feels like to your abuser. Unable to tolerate you as you are - your abuser sets out to create an artificial self that he/she is then able to mold. The undertow in this dynamic is the abusers low regard for him/her self. His unspoken - intolerable fear the she/he is not "good enough". You are taught to feel and believe all those things the abuser was taught to feel about him/her self.

You become the walking, talking embodiment of fear, anxiety and remorse that she/he has struggled with for much of her/his life.

Here are just a few of the "lessons" an emotionally abusive person can teach:

1.You are always wrong.
2.Everything is your fault.
3.You are of no value in the relationship.
4.You are intrusive when you ask how your partner’s day was.
5.You are "suspicious" when you question why you have not heard from him/her in the way you    usually communicate.
6.You are so stupid you cannot even _________________ (fill in the blanks).
7.You are fat, you are stupid, you are ugly, no one wants you, no one likes you.
8.You cannot handle life without your partner.
9.You cannot try anything new.
10.You would not be anyone if you did not have your partner.
11.You are nagging or stupid if you disagree.
12.The affair he/she is having is your fault.

All types of abuse leave you frightened. The fear may not be limited to a fear for physical safety. The fear can more amorphous. You know you do not feel strong. You do not feel as if you can take risks. You do not even believe it is acceptable to try.

The abuse can start slowly, and perhaps not even feel like abuse - just a simple "it’s all your fault" here and there. Be warned that emotional abuse is often the precursor to more.

Typically the cycle is that the abuser, at some point, apologizes for the abuse. Then comes the honeymoon period during which things are relatively fine - and then the abuse starts all over again.

Abuse, once begun, only escalates. Unless the abuser accepts responsibility for his/her behavior and seeks professional help - it is quite likely the abuse will continue and worsen.

by Pamela Brewer MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C

By: The-Mary

We’d like to officially declare today, whatever day you’re reading this, to be "Best Friends Are the Best" Day. This should be a day to celebrate all the millions of ways best friends find their ways into our lives, and all the brilliant things they do to make our lives more comfy, fun, interesting, loving, or just plain good.

Just think of all the different kinds of best friends there can be:

Long Distance Best Friends: A friendship takes place in your head and your heart; you don’t always need your best friend’s body to be right there. Long Distance Best Friends stay in touch by phone, email, and regular mail, yet still feel just as close as friends who live next door to each other. Best of all, sometimes corresponding with your LDBF can be the ultimate journal — a place you can spill all of your secrets, and actually get feedback and support! For Lydia, Dada, Aza Abeha, Diana: You guys make me feel I’m worthy for what I am. Thanks!

Action-Packed Best Friends: When ballet, or baseball, or debate team is practically all that you think about, the friend who shares your obsession can be your greatest sounding board and activity partner. They’ll know exactly what that game or that recital means to you, and they’ll be there for you whether you win or lose. Or maybe they’ll just know when you need to quietly play a round of video games and work out your thoughts on your own.

Joined-at-the-Hip Best Friends: These are the friends who do just about everything together. They share every thought, hope and dream with each other. They finish each other’s sentences and know what each other is thinking. Sometimes, they might even start laughing hysterically at the same time, and no one else will know why. It would be creepy if it weren’t so cute. For Kak Gee, Nadia & Ain: sometimes ya..

Old School Best Friends: Sometimes, you meet your best friend when you’re just a wee lad or lass, so tiny that your brain and your personality were still forming. And even though you might move away from each other, or end up hanging out with different people, there’s still something inside both of you that will always be the same, and will always feel a connection. For Ain & Nadia: you two are the best! For Laily: you’ve chipped in my personality then.Thank you.

Just Like Family Best Friends: Some best friends can argue ’til their faces turn blue, but still be laughing five minutes later. And no matter how much you quarrel or annoy each other or borrow stuff without asking, when things really go downhill you know you’ll be there for each other. That’s when best friends are just like family. For Kak Gee: Always in my heart. Always..

Real Live Family Best Friends: It’s not unusual for people to say their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, or grandparents are their best friends. It makes perfect sense really — family is where unconditional love was invented. You know you can be yourself with your family and they’ll always still love you. For my family: I’m not  a perfect daughter/sister/grandaughter/cousin/niece/aunt. Thank you for accepting that fact.

You and your best friend(s) might fit into one or all of these categories, or maybe you’re in a category all your own. But today, why not thank a friend or two for being in the most important category of all: The Best.

Christina Ianzito

You’re sunk in a deep blue funk. Do you turn on your most soulful CD and crawl into bed with some herbal tea, Kafka’s reflections on meaninglessness, and a pint of Chunky Monkey? Or do you call a funny friend, flip on Comedy Central, and laugh yourself up a notch on the mood meter?

According to a recent study, how–and if–you strive to improve your dismal temper may depend on your self-esteem. Ohio State University researchers put subjects into good, bad, or neutral moods by showing them a tape intended to induce a certain mind-set. One film depicted a funny scene from "David Letterman," for example, while another showed a child being diagnosed with cancer. Subjects were then asked to select another video from a list that identified only how happy, interesting, and agreeable the video was.

Those who had been induced into cheerful moods strove to maintain them. They chose the videos deemed "happy." Subjects in sad and neutral moods were less concerned with the happiness factor. That surprised researcher Richard Petty, Ph.D.: Why would some people elect not to change their gloomy states of mind?

A follow-up study revealed the self-esteem factor. "People with high self-esteem in a negative mood do work very hard to retrieve a positive state," says Petty, "while people with low self-esteem do the opposite." They tend to perpetuate their melancholy by staying aboard a negative train of thought.

People who value themselves, Petty explains, think that they don’t deserve to feel bad. So they put positive energy into chasing their gloom away.By: